Shyness

Wow! Tonight showed me just how shy I really am. It is so weird. I am not shy around saints at all. I really try to go and meet as many saints as possible, especially the college ones. I truly am trying to take the time to get to know brothers all across the country, and even an international brother. But when it comes to those outside the church life, I simply cannot bring up the courage to meet new people unless they take the time to try to get to know me. Even then, I am a shell of myself. I try to close myself off and respond to the people as tersely and concisely as possible, so as to avoid a major conversation.

Tonight, we were playing ultimate frisbee after the home meeting. I was having my usual embarrassing night (for those who know me, I am definitely academics over athletics). I had missed five catches that I could have and should have caught. Then two cars showed up and it seems like nobody knew who these people were coming up. The guys that came out were all these guys that looked like they were much more athletic than me and three girls who I swear were drunk on wine, not the waters of life. But the guys definitely had an air of being in a fraternity around them.

Instead of getting to know them, I immediately shut down. I even stopped trying to do well in the game. I stopped running and just walked. I didn't want any part of the action. I was too afraid of embarrassing myself in front of them. In front of the saints, I can embarrass myself with poor athletic play because we can all enjoy Christ together and I can brush off my lack of athleticism. With these guys, I had a standard to live up to that I knew I couldn't. I just wanted them to forget my existence.

This brings me to my big question. How am I supposed to save those in the world if I can't even reach out to them? Christ is above the world, yet He loved the world and reached out to the world. With this indwelling Christ, I should be able to overcome my shyness and reach out, but I still have trouble.

With every girl I come across randomly, my dad tells me that I should ask them out. Which is really weird because I've never met these girls. But there is no way I can just go up to a girl and flirt with her. That's just not the way I work. I like to get to know a girl before even considering going on a date or something. Of course its hard to get to know a girl because I am extremely shy around women. That's definitely something I'm going to figure out how to get over, but I just plain find it hard to connect to women without it being awkward. Basically, I'm Raj from "The Big Bang Theory", except I don't drink and I can at least talk if there's a girl in the room.

Another practical reason to overcome my shyness. I am planning on being a lawyer. How can I gain clients if I can't even talk to people? I'm going to lose my job very fast and be in crippling debt from law school.

So all said, I need to transfer my mindset when I am around the saints and really wanting to get to know them on a personal level and put that mindset when dealing with those in the world. Easier said than done.